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>> Win2k
Messages
>> How
Men and Women Change the Oil
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The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
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How
Men and Women Change the Oil
Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube
when the mileage reaches 3000 sincethe last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later,
write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money Spent
****************
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
****************
$21.00 Total
Men
1. Go to auto parts store
and write a check for $50
dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and
scented tree.
2. Discover that the used
oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30
minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under
kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open
another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under
engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end
wrench.
9. Give up and use
crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in
pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer
while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter
wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil
filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up;
finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on
oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it
all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy
beer.
22. Install new oil
filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket
first.
23. Dump first quart of
fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug
from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain
plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace
drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto
floor.
27. Slip with wrench and
bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor
board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional
10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left
breast.
32. Clean up. Apply
Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4
quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack
stands
38. Accidentally crush
one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to
apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over;
arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car
from impound yard.
Money Spent
****************************************
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of
jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing
fee
****************************************
$1337 Total
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